What Kept My Problems Going?

Introduction

This post was written years ago, before my cancer diagnosis, reflecting on the aftermath of surviving the tsunami and my journey through PTSD. It explores the various factors that kept my problems ongoing and the impact on my mental health.

Key Points

Several key factors contributed to the persistence of my problems. I’ll discuss a few of them here:

Inability to Open Up

I struggled to articulate the severity of what happened during the search and rescue, as well as the symptoms I was experiencing and their impact on me. I had trouble processing and sometimes believing what had actually happened on the island.

Unhelpful Rumination

I often ruminated on events beyond my control, trying to make sense of why they happened and why I survived. This led to feelings of survivor’s guilt.

Family Impact of the Tsunami

The tsunami’s devastation in Sri Lanka, where my family is originally from, deeply affected my parents. They were in shock over the distant family members who died, especially those in Galle. Although I was physically unscathed, I couldn’t convey to them how terrible things were on Koh Phi Phi. Returning to London felt Alien. After Thailand, I felt lost and couldn’t cope with what had happened in Sri Lanka and to my family. Emotionally, I couldn’t handle the devastation in my mother’s hometown of Galle. Unlike me, my loved ones and all the locals across Asia who were affected by the devastation of the Asian Tsunami couldn’t escape the horror by simply flying away. My parent’s recent divorce also exacerbated my “home life” in London.

Escaping to Japan

Unable to deal with London and the events in Sri Lanka, I needed to escape. I was so fortunate after university to be accepted on to the Japanese government JET Programme and then to be placed in Kyoto. I decided to return to Kyoto, to the job I loved. This decision isolated me in some respects but kept me occupied with work. It was also comforting to be around my friends Pata, Linny, and Emma, whom I had desperately searched for on the island, during the 24 hours before the Thai Military arrived. By immersing myself in my job in Kyoto and the enchanting Japanese culture and lifestyle, I buried the trauma.

Return to London from Kyoto

After being away for two years, few people in London knew I had been caught in the tsunami. When I returned from Japan slightly over a year after the Asian Tsunami, happy and in love, no one questioned the extent to which the tsunami had affected me. However, the overwhelming reverse culture shock of returning to London after Kyoto was beyond jarring. The first couple of months back home felt alien and strange and it was possibly then that the effects of flashbacks to the island and struggles with coming to terms with the actual reality of the trauma first manifested. And, was the beginning of the silent struggle with trauma.

The drastic culture shock of returning home to London really destabilised me.

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This reflection was part of the PTSD treatment review at Oxford University with Dr. Jennifer Wild.