FLASHBACKS…HERE ISN’T WHERE I WANT TO BE

Constantly on the cusp of Trauma

• Trauma survivor reflects on living with flashbacks

• How Trauma Therapy helped

• Looking at life from a fairer perspective

Living with trauma often means being constantly on the edge, teetering on the cusp of reliving past horrors. Reflecting on my experience with flashbacks and how trauma therapy has aided me, I find a fairer perspective on life.

Understanding Life with Flashbacks

It didn't truly sink in until long after my official diagnosis. I had become so used to the daily barrage of flashbacks that I couldn't objectively understand what was happening. Most of the time, I could “control” my reactions to these intrusive memories. At times, I couldn't believe it all really happened, so I tried to block out the worst parts or distract myself enough to numb the pain before sleep.

However, I wasn't in control. I never accounted for how my inner dialogue would shift, how being constantly on edge would drain me. The mental energy spent subconsciously fighting to block out the horrors of the search and rescue wore me down. I'd get lost in the waves, endlessly replaying the same images in my mind's eye.

Unchanging and Unfair Memories

There are countless things I wish I could change. I would have sacrificed myself for the pregnant girl we found. I'll never forget discovering her lifeless body. Nothing about it was fair.

Although life isn't perfect now and I still have a knack for getting into trouble, something has fundamentally changed inside me. It's a constant effort to condition my reactions, aiming for a fairer perspective.

The Role of Therapy

Trauma therapy helped me reach a place where I could adjust my inner dialogue following a flashback. I began to give myself the benefit of the doubt, accepting the severity of my experiences without blaming myself for things beyond my control.

Even now, there are times when I slip into self-destructive thought patterns. However, these "relapses" have become less frequent. By focusing on the skills developed during treatment, I can push myself to higher ground. Here, I can breathe easier and see the big picture, rather than viewing everything through a lens of fear, anger, and guilt.

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